In the month before we all realised that the pandemic was a pandemic, I was chatting with my spiritual director. I shared with her some of the early signs of things shifting in the lives of our family members. A daughter returning from some months overseas and looking for what she wants to do with her life. A husband moving out of some leadership responsibilities and looking for the turn that will take him into the next season of ministry. Wonderings about whether to stay in our current location for the duration of our youngest daughter's remaining school years. We wondered if we were coming to a fork in the road.
My spiritual director listened as I laid all this out and then remarked, 'It sounds like you might want to create some room in your life for the process of discernment.'
Thinking back to that now almost makes me laugh-snort my cup of coffee. At the time, I began to think about what I might say 'no' to in order to be present to this slow process of unfolding plans. Within weeks, things that I had thought were firm 'yeses' began to fall away. Training programs were postponed, ministry centres were closed, social commitments were cancelled. Well, that'll take care of it, I thought. Nothing like a pandemic to create an invitation for listening and discernment!
Today we received an email relating to one of the possible directions we thought our lives might be taking. It's a firm no. And while it's strange to think of that storyline being interrupted before it really got going, we had prayed for clarity. A no is as clear an answer as a yes, I guess.
So, we have our no. We are still figuring out what the yes might entail.
Today our eldest daughter has been completing the application form for a 4 year program in medical herbalism. It would mean her moving to the UK during term-time and would give her the opportunity to stretch her wings. The course material seems like it would be a really good fit for her areas of interest. These are the moments that herald the end of childhood and the beginning of adulthood. To find how to offer your unique contribution to the world in that place where 'your gladness and the world's deep hunger meet,' as Frederick Buechner said, it's quite the process. It can feel messy and uncertain in that middle place of listening, and paying attention, and searching, and choosing.
And whether you're 18 or 48, I don't think that messy middle place gets any easier. Between the prospect of one thing ending and the clarity of a new thing beginning is a whole lot of wondering and waiting. But we've been there before, so perhaps we have a little more tolerance for the place of not knowing. It's okay - it's a place to lean into for a while, you don't have to live there forever.
How about you? Has the unsought for journey of lockdown raised some questions for you about what might be next? How are you leaning into the process of discernment initiated by those questions?
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