Monday 25 May

Day 71 and I am wondering how long to keep blogging each day as lockdown opens up. It's like those times when I have done a 'running streak' - a season of running every day. You get into such a groove that it's hard to stop. You've told yourself so many times to get off your butt and do the daily discipline, that stopping feels like an aberration.

Anyway, today was a good day, a hard day, and a good day again. Ever have one of those?!

It started off with me feeling like I was taking Monday by the horns and riding it into submission (somehow I have the image of me riding a big black bull, sort of a combination of Spanish and rodeo imagery, which captures my Monday morning feeling perfectly). I was up early, I read and journalled, went off for a 5km run and followed it up with an hour long workout. I was done in time to have breakfast with the family and I felt invincible!

Note to the wise: when you get these feelings, take a moment to breathe it in. Savour it as you would a baby's skin. It's beautiful but it ain't gonna last.

I had decided that at lunchtime we would have a family chat about rights, responsibilities and privileges. In my mind, this would be a relaxed, friendly talk with lots of laughter and we would all come to a place of easy agreement about how these legs of our three-legged stool support our family environment in a peaceful and stable manner.

Well, let's just say it didn't go down like that.

It sounded so good in my head, my intentions were certainly loving. And yet it still went pear-shaped. Ever wonder why conversations and relationships can be so unpredictable? Yeah, me too. Seriously, though, these are so often the moments when I learn the most. I see the response in me that is still my only particular well-worn groove - the voice that says I am not enough, that tells me I am on my own and self-protection is found only in withdrawal - yet somehow (with the help of a little bit of time and perhaps a large G&T) I tune in to the invitation to do things differently. When these sticky moments arise, to what extent can I choose intimacy instead of a stance of disapproval or emotional distance?

You know, we get to be the adults in this dance of parenting. Which means we have to keep on growing up in the deepest parts of who we are! At least, I know I do.

I had an online meeting to host before I was quite recovered from all this. Once it was done, Tim and I drove to the beach for the first time since the state of alarm was declared in Spain. It was blissful to feel the sand between my toes, to hear the drag of the tide against the beach, and to sit at the very edge of a group of bar tables and enjoy a beachside glass of wine. What a treat after all these weeks!