Still a Brit, after all these years

I’m thinking back to an exchange I had with a neighbour when we lived in Cape Town. He owned the lovely stone cottage we rented, and lived in a much larger, grander home a bit higher on the hill. The area we lived in was called Kalk Bay, a gorgeous old fishing village in the southern suburbs of Cape Town proper. Still functioning as a place for catching, buying and eating fish, Kalk Bay had by then also become a bit of a hippy-chic place. And we were into it, I tell you. The slightly run-down feel hid a brilliant book shop, a tiny and fabulous theatre, a film club and countless others touchpoints for creatives and wannabe artists: heaven on earth!

And I felt like a local. I loved nothing better than walking down the hill in my flip flops, after a trail run on the mountainside, to buy fresh croissants from the bakery and exchange a few words with familiar faces. I’d pop into the small supermarket for some milk and coffee, or to post a letter at the post office. This was home to me and it felt like the best fit of anywhere I’d ever lived.

So when my neighbour dropped a throwaway comment about my true identity, I felt as though I’d been caught as a fraud. He said something about how British we still were, after several years living in Africa. Well, what does that mean? I grumbled to myself. Both our babies were born in South Africa, all our friends were South African. We were doing a pretty good job of blending in, dammit!

Since that time, we have spent a couple of years living back in the UK, where I felt less British than ever in spite of the ease of the familiar. And now of course we are in Spain, where I just feel culturally muddled! 

So I got to thinking: in what ways am I still culturally very British in my ways of interacting with others? What does it mean to be British, anyway?! Here are five things I came up with.

1. As a rule, we tend to be more private than some other cultures.

I have lived in group cultures where everyone knows everything about one another and it makes me a feel a bit nervous! After all these years living out of Britain, I have retained a pretty private approach to life (Facebook notwithstanding!). I probably won’t talk freely or easily about my finances, or my marriage, for example. And my private space - my home, and in my home, my bedroom - are the places where I feel most at ease. It's always a relief to withdraw to my own space at the end of the day.

2. A cup of tea really is the answer to most situations.

It’s an instinct that's hard to break: if someone is upset, or something difficult or shocking just happened, something deep within me wants to put the kettle on! And no, it doesn’t matter if it is 35°C outside, there is no wrong time to have a cup of tea. Of course, as an abject snob I am snobby about my tea; loose leaf Lady or Earl Grey really is the way to go. In cafés around the world, getting used to being served a cup of tepid water with the tea bag on the side has been one of the harsher realities of living cross-culturally. There are just so many things wrong with that.

3. It comes naturally to downplay either a crisis or an achievement.

Brits are mostly brilliant in a crisis, quite simply because they don’t make a big deal about it but just get on with it. Making a big deal about anything, really, is slightly frowned upon. Which is why we have to learn to celebrate achievements (I have been practising this one, believe me). We prefer to downplay things, especially our own moments of brilliance. This is where Brits and Americans can really part ways - Brits tend to see the ra-ra of bigging up achievements as a bit fake, not really sincere. Unless it’s football, that’s quite different.

4. It is normal for us to cheer on the underdog.

There is something hard-wired within us that somehow sees this as a justice issue. We don’t want the winner to always win, we think it’s bad for their ego, or something. No, we want the underdog to have a fair go, and all the better if they actually win (just not too many times, obviously). I think this is connected with downplaying achievements, but I haven’t figured out exactly how. It might also be connected to football.

5. Rules and queues are there for a reason.

In general, we do like things to be done properly. Properly means in the way that’s been agreed upon. Why would you agree a certain way to do things and then not do them that way? This is why we prefer to be told the way to do things, because then we can do them the correct way. Having to discover, by trial and error, the right way to do things, is a real pain in the neck. And potentially thoroughly embarrassing because you might get it wrong. These things matter, somehow. Some of this is to do with things working smoothly and efficiently. Which is why we like queues (that and our penchant for justice; it’s just more fair than having people butting in).

So, if you see me around and about, queuing for hours because everyone else keeps getting in line ahead of me, don’t make too much of a big deal of it. Just offer me a decent cup of tea and all will be well.