Thursday 26 March

Day 11 and the novelty is wearing off. I say that without meaning to imply that all this feels anything like normal, or that I am coping with it like an old hand. No, in fact, I sense that perhaps my emotions are only just beginning to catch up with the real state of things.

Perhaps, if you are one of the main caregivers in your home, you might identify. Or maybe if you are an Enneagram 3 (and know what I mean by that). I think of myself as someone who is quite intuitive about other people's feelings. Also, when I have a sense of my own internal landscape I am pretty good at describing what I see. But the truth is, I can spend a lot of my life relatively out of touch with how I am actually doing. (If you ask me how I'm doing and I pause, with a slightly puzzled look on my face, you'll know why.)

If you're a parent, you know that this can be part of the job description: put your own feelings on hold because you have others to take care of whose well-being, in this moment, takes precedence over yours. That's what it means to be the adult in the relationship, you think of them first. That's as it should be.

I guess that explains the lag. You know, the delayed onset of emotions. And maybe it explains the emotional spillage, when all of a sudden tell-tale splashes of sadness, or frustration, or even fear disguised as anger sort of slosh out. It makes me think of a phrase by Douglas McKelvey:
'As I am a vessel, let me not be like a sodden paper cup full of steaming frustration, carelessly sloshing unpleasantness on those around me.'

This morning, after an emotionally draining online meeting, I returned to the activities of a family cooped up together for the eleventh day straight and the cup tipped, you know? The overspill wasn't directed at anyone in particular and wasn't especially nasty. But it made me aware that there are emotions sloshing around in my cup that I haven't really been able to process yet.

I had read somewhere that in times of crisis, when our bodies are struggling to adjust to the onslaught of stress chemicals, it is good to do something with your hands. I believe this is the same kind of 'ex-forming' that any sort of physical exercises achieves for us, but reserved for a time when you can't really muster any desire to even go for a walk. Anyway, I picked up a piece of sewing that my daughter had started and never finished and, wouldn't you know it, it worked!

In case you're wondering, there are things to learn from my discombobulating day:
1. When you're caring for others, you might find yourself putting your own feelings on hold.
2. Your body will hold onto those feelings for you as long as it can, and then some of it might slosh out.
3. When it does, don't panic. It's just a reminder that you have some feelings that need your attention.
4. Doing something focused and physical can help your body find its equilibrium in the meantime.

The day got better. The sun was shining when I walked the dog. Keziah made mint tea with the mint growing in her newly established garden. I heard from a couple of friends. And then there's the fire pit because, well, everything is better when viewed from beside a fire.