There’s something about your kid approaching 17 that gets you thinking (yes, sometimes frantically) about her impending adulthood. More specifically, I find myself wondering what it looks like to parent her well as she moves into early adulthood and beyond.
We are fortunate to have some good role models in this area. Not many, but we do have friends who are ahead of us in the parenting game, and setting a great example of what it looks like to celebrate and support a young adult navigating college or university, how to make room in their lives for her friends and then boyfriend, how to continue to gather as a family for vacations and family time, and later how to make a new spouse feel received as a member of the family too. Just last week we met my brother and sister-in-law’s first grandson, and celebrated with them as they allow themselves to be enlarged into this new role of grand-parenting.
In many ways, it feels as though our mission family is at a similar stage of development to those of us learning how to parent adult children; metaphorical offspring who are independent and relatively mature, and are themselves becoming leaders and multipliers. How is the older generation to support those they have previously led more directively, now shifting into the role of being grandparents and cheerleaders of those doing the more direct leading and managing?
In an effort to give a name to this important role, our mission family have termed it ‘eldering.’ That is, being an elder to those who are now adult children and require something different from their ‘parent’ leader. I’m not sure this term has helped to clarify much - giving more an idea of greater age than being descriptive of the role - but it’s a start. The name ‘elder’ is really trying to get at the transition from direct line leadership, such as might come with a title and job description, to more of a relational mentoring, supportive role that is often experienced as more nebulous with less clearly defined expectations.
Here’s the thing, though. Our idea of parenting and grand-parenting seems to have evolved considerably over recent generations. If I think of my own parents’ generation, a high proportion of them went to boarding school (for Tim and me, three of our own four parents lived at school for much of the year) and had a more distant, formal relationship with their parents than would be usual currently.
All this would imply that many of those in our mission now shifting into the role of an ‘elder’ may not have many examples from which to build their picture of what can be made of this new opportunity. And while I don’t have an answer for them - that would be reminiscent of the parenting advice people without children like to bat around - I will attempt to describe the sort of help I feel I need as an adult, from those in my life who might be called ‘grandparents.’
1. I need someone who will listen.
Whether you are a parent or a leader, it can be a lonely place. There are very few people with whom you can unburden about the complexities of your role and responsibilities without being misunderstood. I need someone who will ask me how it is going, and who will listen without judgment or unsolicited advice. A wise parent and a wise leader knows who not to talk to; it would also be amazing if we knew who we could talk to, safely and confidentially, and regularly. And if we could talk over good coffee or decent wine, that would be all the better.
2. I need someone who’s walked the road.
There are times when leadership and parenting alike can give you an overwhelming sense of making it up as you go along. Let’s face it, we are all just flying by the seat of our pants. And if you disagree with me, you need to get out more. I need someone who’s been there, who can tell me that what we’re going through is totally normal, or at least that I’m not doing the terrible job I fear I might be. I need someone who can tell me what worked for them, not in a way that feels formulaic, but in a way that gives me some signposts or principles to follow. I need someone who will take my frustrations and my joys, my tears and my successes, and hold it all in perspective.
3. I need someone who will celebrate the small things.
I’ll always remember the older missionary dude who told us that the key to pioneering is to celebrate the small wins. I’ve come to believe that this is the key to much of life. In parenting and in leadership, there is always much to improve or work on, more progress to be made. The uphill grind can be exhausting. Taking moments to celebrate small achievements really helps to energise us, to fill our tanks for the next stretch, and to shift our perspective from what we still have to do to how far we have already come. It helps enormously to have someone who will initiate or take part in our celebrations, who will remind us that we are moving in the right direction.
4. I need someone to remind me of the big picture.
When we are knee-deep in parenting or leadership, there is so much going on that requires our attention. And if not our full attention, then at least that glance out of the corner of our eye while we do ten other things. With our immediate perspective so arresting, it is hard to take time to step back and remember the big picture. A good mentor can remind us that whatever season we are in, it is just a season and will pass. They can remind us of the broader stretch of our lives. They might tell you that date night with your husband matters even when the kids are going crazy, because when they leave he’ll still be around and it helps to like each other. Or that taking time out for training is a vital part of your personal development because you won’t have this role forever.
5. I need someone who turns up when I need them.
If this is a person who can babysit while you take that date, or stick around while you attend that training, wow, what a difference that makes. It’s easy for people to tell us we shouldn’t feel indispensable but, when it comes down to it, that feeling can be hard to avoid when you’re a parent or leader. Having someone who once in a while will hold the fort to give you some breathing space, that’s huge. I think this translates into them caring about the people I care about; having someone who I know cares about my kids as much as I do and cares about my team as much as I do, that helps me trust their desire and ability to help. It makes it easer to ask for help when I need it.
6. I need someone who’s more committed to who I am than what I do.
When nearly everyone around me sees me in my role as parent or leader, I need someone who sees Miranda and who reminds me that I am more than either of those roles. A loving guide who helps me to laugh at myself is invaluable, who reminds me that who I am becoming is the seat from which all my doing flows, and who helps me stay grounded and well-rounded in my approach to life.
It’s funny, I’ve always thought of grandparents as being all about the grandkids. More and more I wonder if the greater part of being a grandparent is to champion the parent, to help them play their part well, and to keep calling both parents and grandkids up into the fullness of the bigger family story.
For now, maybe thinking about grand-parenting is getting a little ahead of myself. I guess I will focus on doing this parent thing well, and let the oldies worry about the rest for a little while longer.
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